it's a lot messier than i thought it would be.

life is a lot messier than i thought it would be.

when you're younger, things will just work out. You don't have any proof that this is the case a hundred percent of the time, but for you, in your little ten year old crafted world, there is the happily ever after at the end of the story, always. I don't know about you, but I never bothered to pick up the books with the sad endings.
But somehow, in-between the covers of sixteen and seventeen (and perhaps earlier, although you turned a blind eye to it), things start getting more complicated, more difficult. the easy solution to every day problems altogether dissolves like sugar in your coffee and you're not quite sure how to fix anything anymore.
you start reading less of lives you wish you could have lived and start doing, but it doesn't read the same. Yours isn't as adventurous and daring. somehow books don't highlight the obscene amounts of paperwork adults have to do and how you have to be polite to people you don't like and how you have to deal with things like heartbreak and pain and watching people destroy themselves (sometimes including yourself). it's a lot of promising yourself you'll go to bed earlier and get up earlier though you do neither. its a part time job you don't like and art you love and a messy room six out of seven days of the week. it's calling your mom because you were in a car wreck and skipping class on tuesdays.  it's drinking more water and cleaning your bathroom and making yourself breakfast occasionally because you know its the responsible thing to do.

yet, there are good things though too. like how you can paint and burn candles (play with matches) for hours in your room and drive late at night with the windows rolled down and the music turned up, how you can stay up late long past everyone else has gone back to bed, how you can buy yourself coffee if you're having a crappy day and go out for walks by yourself. You'll find it's also how there are some people that electrify your soul and make you laugh even when you're not with them, or how you can drink, obsessive amounts of coffee without getting permission from anyone.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I never imagined this is what life would look like for me. I'm not entirely sure I knew what I thought it would look like, but it wasn't what I'm living now. its a lot of hard heavy stuff with pocketfuls of sunbursts shining through.  I feel so much, but without the hard stuff knocking me to my knees I wouldn't be experience joy in a new light and new depth that is invaluable.

life is a lot messier than i thought it would be. but that's not necessarily a bad thing, i'm learning.


  1. Wow, this was such a fantastic read! And I couldn't agree more with the things you wrote. Lovely!


  2. thank you for putting this in words<3 also I was drinking coffee when I read this, it was meant to be.


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